Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
