I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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