Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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