I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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