i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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