Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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