Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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