Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
