You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
