You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Mom said you looked used
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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