Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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