when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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