They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
