so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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