It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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