he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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