you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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