And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
