No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
