I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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