u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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