I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
