Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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