two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
