Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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