Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
