Dual....:-)
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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