drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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