If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
