Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
