he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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