My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
