some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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