Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize