I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
