you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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