Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
