What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
