and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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