I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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