Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
