Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
