i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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