Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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