life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
false alarm. still invincible.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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