Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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