i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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