drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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