Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Drunk is a universal language darling
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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