Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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