I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize