It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
