Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
