an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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