I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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