Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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