i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
